It’s a fact that I’m not in the habit of writing letters, but it’s also true that the pen is mightier than the sword. Even though every poker player knows that an ice pick is more persuasive than either. In this instance, I will rely on the pen. This epistle will seek to deliver two opinions; one critical and the other very complimentary.
The editor’s clearly biased views on politics and religion are, at best, boring and at worst, plainly irritating. Every reasonable person knows that both subjects have neither an answer nor end. Both political parties are rotten to the core and the recent presidential race that lasted the best part of two years made most observers sick to their stomachs of the whole political process. Therefore, in my view, the editor’s regular and long-winded political editorials in a small community paper are ill-advised. However, it is equally true that Charlie is clearly a gifted and intelligent CEO and journalist with a well-tuned sense of humor and satire.
Many years ago, the Beacon got its start largely by reporting on its own and the surrounding communities sewage happenings. Prince, then, is clearly up to his *#%# in sewage, but, to its credit, the Beacon approaches the subject in a scholarly and academic manner relating in dramatic detail how the product can be pumped up, down, sideways, upstream, downstream, into your basement, into your neighbor’s basement, or just simply left alone there in your backyard. The telling is always rendered with drama and emotion. Indeed, in its last edition, Rawdon reports with commendable reserve the anguish suffered as Perry County seeks to revise its sewage contract with the Village of Thornville. Many Beacon readers consider sewage reportage to be in poor taste. We agree, but if not in poor taste, at least in poor aroma.
This, of course, is the bad news but we now feel obliged to report the good as well. In the April 30th edition, we find a compelling account of the speed-boat wake and its detrimental effects on the Cranberry Bog. Clear thinkers have long realized that the real answer to the bog problem is to drain the lake and let the stinkin’ bog sink to ground level. However, to date, no one has picked up on this idea. Goes to show the price paid for poor management.
However, “Hawk-Eye Light,” with Paul Payupp in charge, lurches to the fore with his special camera gear that will detect fleas on a dog at 12 miles. But with this grade of high resolution equipment, patrons of the lake should be made aware of the consequences. The fisherman with the ED medication concealed in his jockstrap will be suddenly exposed. Syphilis can be detected at six miles, constipation at three, and the sneaking’ bastard in that other boat that tried to belch at 3:17 pm on daylight savings time will be recorded. Most tragic, the security of a gal’s bikini can be breached with the resulting images displayed online at #*&! (pornhub.com)? A chilling thing to contemplate. And one is further compelled to wonder that if a fast swimmer were to circle the bog would the resulting turbulence create sufficient wake to levy the high fines? A thing like this could well destroy the whole sport of swimming. Do the people of Buckeye Lake really want Paul Payupp and his high resolution camera checking out the family chamber pot?
Profuse compliments must go to Prince, the Beacon (along with Peggy Wells) for their extended efforts to improve their functionally bankrupt EMS system and Prince’s idea to recoup the losses for the sub-standard street resurfacing is also excellent.
Special thanks to Prince for his yearly April 1st effort. You did an excellent job of entertaining your readership with your fabricated falsehood. Remember, if you ever lose your remarkable ability, with its creativity and imagination, to write the April fool thing, you can always fall back to your sewage coverage. By now you must be up to your waist in *#$%.