2009-12-05 / News

Lighten up: Bacteria Banshee battles H1N1

By Dawn Weber

Attention swine: Please keep your piggy flu to yourself.

Just what have we done to you, oinkers? Besides mercilessly caging, slaughtering and eating you for millenniums on end? Really now. Is it worth all this? Didn’t yo’ mama teach you to cover yo’ snout when you sneeze?

O.K. folks, I know - it’s not sneezing pigs spreading the H1N1 virus. It’s sneezing people. But this most recent pandemic threat has taken my fear of germs to horrific heights and made me insane. I’ve become a nutty, virus-seeking, sanitizer-toting, bat-crap-crazy witch.

“Wash your hands!” I yell. “Sneeze into your elbow! Don’t eat that popcorn off the floor!”

Wacky new demands like these have completely perplexed my husband. The guy normally sneezes as if the spray blesses the very surface it hits.

Then there’s the kids. The poor kids. I’m on them like a plague the minute they walk through the door. Hustling them to the bathroom sink, spraying down their backpacks, dousing them head to toe with Purell.

Reeling from the toxic fumes, they wander the house, red-eyed, dazed, talking to no one in particular:

“Yes Mom, I washed my hands. Yes Mom, I covered my mouth. Yes Mom, I bathed in bleach…”

And this is just at home. When the Webers head out into that giant Petri-dish of a real world, I transform, I change, I morph into - Bacteria Banshee.

Able to leap tall stalls in a single bound to knock my son’s bare tush from the public toilet! More Powerful than any Clorox Wipe. Look! There in the detergent aisle! It’s a maid! It’s Mrs. Clean! No - it’s Bacteria Banshee!

Watch as Bacteria Banshee contorts body in effort to push elevator buttons without using fingers! See her recover money from ATM using sanitized pen and no hands! Marvel at Bacteria Banshee’s skill as she pumps gas with feet!

Fear not: More Bacteria Banshees abound. We’re everywhere. We risk permanent index finger damage with our constant Lysol spraying, and we bravely Clorox wipe down entire bathrooms in a single bound. Yes, our good deeds may tatter our hands, ruin our respiratory systems and cause marital problems. But I am proud to be in good Banshee company.

Entire hemispheres of our Banshee Brains are devoted to these scientific questions:

-Does this micro-thin, tissuepaper toilet cover really protect us from the festering public seat?

-What’s the zip code of the viral colonies living in computer keyboards?

-How many diapers have plopped in the grocery cart’s top, right where we plunk purses?

-How can certain men use the restroom so fast, and never appear to have damp, washed hands upon exiting? (Hmmm. Think I just answered my own question?)

As we panic and ponder this stuff, the pigs and the rest of the animals are cooking up new pandemic influenzas to torture us.First it was the Bird Flu, now the Swine Flu. Here at the Weber house in beautiful Downtown Brownsville, I’m waiting for the Hamster Flu, the Stray Cat Flu, the Hermit Crab Flu and the Incontinent Old Beagle Flu.

I just know they’re all scheming. Cooking up an evil plot to take over the world, seize our house, perch on our couches and watch SportsCenter.

Uh-oh. Sounds like a challenge. Quick, ladies, meet me in the Banshee Mobile! And don’t forget your Chemical Weapons…

Dawn Weber is a Brownsville wife and mother of two pre-teens who commutes daily to Columbus for her full-time job.

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